Spring Break & Emotions

We have had a pretty low-key Spring Break. We went to 4 baseball games and just hung out here at home. I was pretty wiped out from last week's chemo. This time they up-ed my dose to 70% (the last two rounds I had a 50% dose). It has been a difficult one.

The worst was Sunday when my body hurt to touch. Slowly over the past week things have been improving. But I must admit this has probably been the hardest week of this whole experience. A few weeks ago we informed the kids of how serious my cancer is. We had shielded them prior to that. I could tell that they were concerned and the doctor said that we should prepare them for anything that might happen. He suggested that with my blood levels being so low, I could go in to the hospital for a fever or infection and not make it out. He said that most cancer patients die from a fever or infection, not the cancer itself. So, we told the kids. Man that was a hard few weeks. The first conversation was about resurrection and that Jesus Christ was resurrected and that we will be also one day.

The next week at Family Home Evening we asked what they knew about my cancer and Hyrum said, "All I know is that Mom has cancer, but she will be fine." We decided in that moment to jump on that. We told Hyrum and all the other kids that that was true, but not in the way they were thinking. We proceeded to tell them a little more about my cancer, that it was a bad one that might take my life sooner than we would like. We told them about me getting sick and that that could take my life sooner that we would like. There were a lot of tears, but amid those tears David and I were able to bear our testimonies and share the love of the Lord with these wonderful children. We were able to tell them that no matter what happens Heavenly Father knows what is happening and that He will take care of all of us. We, of course, told the kids to ask any questions that they had or will have in the future - that we would love to talk with them and help them.

I m so grateful for this precious children that were sent to my home. This past week has been emotionally difficult for me - I don't want to leave these children or my husband! I am their mother and I want to continue in that role until I'm around 80 or so - even longer if I can. My doctor has prescribed a new diet and I started last Monday with no sugar or dairy in my diet. I also do not eat red meat (including pork). I can have very limited chicken (like maybe once a week) and I am allowed fish daily. I am a HUGE fan of dark chocolate and ice cream. What a major adjustment this has been for me. I am doing well and exercising extreme self-control, especially as today is Easter and the kids got buckets full (literally) of candy! I also have to exercise daily, so we have invested in an exercise bike - gotta love Craigslist!!

I have had the "it's not fair" thoughts and feelings - that is until today. Last night it all kind of came out at poor Dave. I just lost it and couldn't stop crying. He held me for hours and asked me to not give up hope, but to exercise my faith - he said I had a lot of faith. Today was the second day of General Conference (GC is a satellite broadcast from Salt Lake - our church headquarters. During GC the leaders of our church: the prophet, apostles and other leaders - known as General Authorities, speak to us and teach us what we should be doing, where our focus should be.) It was a great day where I got to listen to many General Authorities bear their testimonies of the Savior. It reminded me of my testimony and buoyed up my faith and encouraged my hope. I have a renewed sense of who I am - a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who wants nothing more than my success. Whether my success be here on this earth or on the "other side" I know that He will care for my family through whatever may come.

So there you go, I am caught up, I think! I love the Lord. I love my family. I love my friends. I am a blessed lady who couldn't ask for much more. Thank you for including me, and my family, in your prayers. We feel the power that comes from those prayers and truly appreciate your love. May you all have a happy Easter and enjoy the times that you have with your loved ones - I know I will!!