Sunday, April 4, 2010

Spring Break & Emotions

We have had a pretty low-key Spring Break. We went to 4 baseball games and just hung out here at home. I was pretty wiped out from last week's chemo. This time they up-ed my dose to 70% (the last two rounds I had a 50% dose). It has been a difficult one.

The worst was Sunday when my body hurt to touch. Slowly over the past week things have been improving. But I must admit this has probably been the hardest week of this whole experience. A few weeks ago we informed the kids of how serious my cancer is. We had shielded them prior to that. I could tell that they were concerned and the doctor said that we should prepare them for anything that might happen. He suggested that with my blood levels being so low, I could go in to the hospital for a fever or infection and not make it out. He said that most cancer patients die from a fever or infection, not the cancer itself. So, we told the kids. Man that was a hard few weeks. The first conversation was about resurrection and that Jesus Christ was resurrected and that we will be also one day.

The next week at Family Home Evening we asked what they knew about my cancer and Hyrum said, "All I know is that Mom has cancer, but she will be fine." We decided in that moment to jump on that. We told Hyrum and all the other kids that that was true, but not in the way they were thinking. We proceeded to tell them a little more about my cancer, that it was a bad one that might take my life sooner than we would like. We told them about me getting sick and that that could take my life sooner that we would like. There were a lot of tears, but amid those tears David and I were able to bear our testimonies and share the love of the Lord with these wonderful children. We were able to tell them that no matter what happens Heavenly Father knows what is happening and that He will take care of all of us. We, of course, told the kids to ask any questions that they had or will have in the future - that we would love to talk with them and help them.

I m so grateful for this precious children that were sent to my home. This past week has been emotionally difficult for me - I don't want to leave these children or my husband! I am their mother and I want to continue in that role until I'm around 80 or so - even longer if I can. My doctor has prescribed a new diet and I started last Monday with no sugar or dairy in my diet. I also do not eat red meat (including pork). I can have very limited chicken (like maybe once a week) and I am allowed fish daily. I am a HUGE fan of dark chocolate and ice cream. What a major adjustment this has been for me. I am doing well and exercising extreme self-control, especially as today is Easter and the kids got buckets full (literally) of candy! I also have to exercise daily, so we have invested in an exercise bike - gotta love Craigslist!!

I have had the "it's not fair" thoughts and feelings - that is until today. Last night it all kind of came out at poor Dave. I just lost it and couldn't stop crying. He held me for hours and asked me to not give up hope, but to exercise my faith - he said I had a lot of faith. Today was the second day of General Conference (GC is a satellite broadcast from Salt Lake - our church headquarters. During GC the leaders of our church: the prophet, apostles and other leaders - known as General Authorities, speak to us and teach us what we should be doing, where our focus should be.) It was a great day where I got to listen to many General Authorities bear their testimonies of the Savior. It reminded me of my testimony and buoyed up my faith and encouraged my hope. I have a renewed sense of who I am - a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who wants nothing more than my success. Whether my success be here on this earth or on the "other side" I know that He will care for my family through whatever may come.

So there you go, I am caught up, I think! I love the Lord. I love my family. I love my friends. I am a blessed lady who couldn't ask for much more. Thank you for including me, and my family, in your prayers. We feel the power that comes from those prayers and truly appreciate your love. May you all have a happy Easter and enjoy the times that you have with your loved ones - I know I will!!

15 comments:

robyn said...

I love you Kaci. Thank you for sharing your very powerful and personal testimony. Happy Easter.

susi and adam said...

Kaci......You are one special girl... I know you here that a lot but I MEAN it. I really don't want you to go anywhere anytime soon!!!!!!!!!! I love you so much and you truly inspire me. I pray that you might have strength emotionally, spiritually and physically!!! You have handled all of this so well! You are allowed to have many many bad days and crying days and mad days!! Thank you for your testimony and your courage. WE will always be here to support you and your family!!! Praying for you as always....

David and Janalee said...

Kaci, you simply amaze me...but that is nothing new, you have ever since I met you. I love you and want you to know that your testimony and courage are amazing are are teaching me on so many different levels. You are so strong and so brave! Thank you for being a wonderful example to me and so many others, I am honored to call you my friend.
Hugs!

Joanne said...

Kaci....totally crying right now! (and I'm not a big cryer..that's usually my mom's place) :) You are such an inspiration to me and our family. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with us. It strengthens my testimony and many others (even those you have never met!) We love you very much and pray for your family daily!!

Tami said...

Kaci you are a brave woman. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this ridiculously unfair trial. but wow - you are doing it with such grace. we love you guys and pray for the whole family daily. we hope you get to stay with us till you are 80 or older!

Barbara said...

Kaci,
You are such a special lady! You are still and will forever be the best thing to ever happen to David. The eternal tapestry story you are weaving is a testimony to all of the gospel. I have great faith in you and so does Heavenly Father. We pray and fast for you always!!

Eve said...

Hi Kaci,

I'm Tami's friend and she gives us updates and links to your blog every so often. We are all praying for you and a miracle. Love to your family, they are obviously so blessed to have you.

josie said...

Thanks for sharing with us all! You are an inspiration. I know that when the Lord shuts a door, he opens a window. We will be blessed for our trials. I know that you and your family will be blessed for what you are going through. Stay strong, ours prayers are with you. Thanks so much for your always enduring testimony!!!

Jana said...

I am also a friend of Tami's. She has told us your story, and I just wanted to leave a comment telling you that you are an inspiration to moms everywhere.

We are praying for you.

Chantel said...

Hi Kaci,

I'm another friend of Tami's. Growing up, my little bro went through chemo for Leukemia. I really feel for the struggles you and your family are going through, especially your children. Bless their little hearts they are such troopers. Thank you for being such an example of faith. You are an inspiration to our circle of friends and I'm sure to countless others you don't even know. You help me to remember my blessings daily. You're in our prayers.

Shannon and Andrew said...

I am also a friend of Tami's. You have such an amazing attitude. I pray for you and your family through this difficult trial. Your faith is an example to all.

Wendy @ blue lily said...

Another of Tami's friends... I took your pictures. I love you guys and think of you often, as do a lot of my readers who found the link I posted to your blog. You are in my prayers. I think you are a spectacular, strong woman- I look up to you.

xoxo
wendy
blue lily photo

Lina said...

Kaci, We love you! We remember you and your family daily in our prayers. You are an inspiration to us! Love, Tim and Earline

Orange Peanut said...

WOW! I just want you to know that I think you are amazing and you are in my prayers!

The Dobrons said...

What beautiful peace comes from our knowledge of the Savior and his amazing atonement and resurrection. You are a beautiful example to many. I love how you are so sweetly teaching your children the amazing truth of the Gospel. Hope you feel stength to carry this burden. (Love, a friend of Tami's)