Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Enough Already!!

Just so everyone knows, this is going to be a complaining post. I generally don't post when I feel sad, angry, frustrated or anything else negative. I don't want to be remembered as a complainer or as someone who couldn't deal with things. But today I have had enough!! I am tired of being a cancer patient. I am tired of driving daily to radiation treatments. I am tired of pain and pain medicine. I am tired of not being able to be a mom the way that I used to be and really want to be. I want my life back!!! NOW!

Everyone tells me that I am handling this so well and that I am such an inspiration. But please know that I am not perfect. I have had many "bad" days. My poor children and husband have to deal with me all the time and they can attest to those days. I am grumpy a lot more than I should be. My faith is lacking in many ways. I don't trust my Father in Heaven the way that I should. I don't read my scriptures enough. I don't know enough about them. I need to become much better at that. I don't pray enough. I need to have conversations with my Father in Heaven more often. I'm sure that those things will help my "bad" days become fewer.

Lately I have spent so much time in my bed just laying here missing out on things. I long for the days that I used to do so many things and get them done. I had energy to do them and desire to do them. The desire is there, for the most part, just not the energy. A lot of the reason I have been in bed is because the pain is great and I am having to take pain meds that make me so tired and loopy. I am really skinny now - down more than 50 pounds. I weigh less now than I did when we got married. I know that riding my stationary bike will help with the weight and energy, but riding my bike isn't what I want to do - I should do it anyway.

Really my life is not so bad. My children are all healthy and growing well. They are happy and are very smart and looking forward to going back to school in a few weeks to see their friends. I have a husband who loves me very much and he even scrubbed the bathroom ceiling today for me. He is leading the way to clean out our house and get rid of all the junk. Today he spent hours in the girls' room helping them to get rid of stuff and organize it so that they can better utilize the space and got it done. Tomorrow we are on to the boys' room. He drives me where ever I need to go and makes sure the kids get to where they need to be.

So, today is not so good, but tomorrow will be better and I'm already feeling happier. We are going to take the kids swimming at the club now - maybe I'll get in today. I'm sure it will help me continue to feel better. I know this is really for my benefit and the benefit for my family - but sometimes it just feels like too much. If you are still reading this, thanks for listening to me complain! Sometimes just getting off your chest is helpful. We are going to have some fun now. And I am going to get some hugs from some really great kids and a husband I love more than anything! Have a good day - mine can only get better from here!!

5 comments:

Tami said...

complain all you want Kaci!! we'll still be here listening and we'll love you just as much as ever. *HUG* sometimes it really helps to vent. hope some more happy days are headed your way.

Amy said...

Kaci I can't even imagine all that you are going through. I would say that you are entitled to a bad day now and agian. Don't try to hide it complain if you need to!

Susi said...

You are still an inspiration!!!..... cuz you always want to be good and do better... we all have bad days but what you are going through entitles you to so much more complaining and venting...Let it out anytime you need to it and I wlll be listening. Love you Kaci!!!

Barbara said...

We love you Kaci! Glad to hear from you-complain all you want! You are still amazing and an inspiration to us all that you complain as little as you do! We put your name in the temple every week. You are going to get thru this and days will be better. Now go eat a chocolate malt or something!

Leza said...

Kaci, you are being so normal right now. I so love you.