Thursday, June 11, 2009

A Rough Week

Okay, so I was so sure that I was up to this challenge. I was so confident and sure of my self and my abilities to conquer all. And then the chemo fatigue hit. And man, it hit me hard! The nurse, Jean, said in the chemo class that the fatigue would be the worst and that I should prepare for that. My thinking was: "I have had 6 kids - under the age of 8. I KNOW fatigue." I was so terribly WRONG!!!

Today I feel more myself than I have all week. Sunday I went to church and was okay. Sure, I felt tired, but it was manageable. Then came Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I wasn't feeling sleepy, just weak and dragging. Not only was I exhausted, but my spirit was starting to feel bogged down and like I just couldn't shoulder the weight of what I was/am having to go through. There have been many times over the past few days (it feels like it has been weeks) where I have said out loud, "Why can't someone else be the strong one that gets this challenge?" I was depressed and feeling like, as much as I had talked big in the beginnning, I really was a wimp and there was no way that I was going to make it through this.

This morning the kids were are scheduled to go places today. David had Sacramento State Orientation and Nephi, Gloria and Helaman got to go to the childcare center there. Faith and Vilate were lucky enough to go and hang out with some friends and Hyrum got to go over to his friend Joey's house. I was just laying in bed and the phone rang. My friend Krissy's plans had changed for the day and she wondered if I would like to and be able to go to the Sacramento Temple with her today. (For those who don't know, the Temple is a place where we go and learn about what our Father in Heaven has planned for us. His will is made known and anyone who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in good standing and holding a Temple Recommend can go at appointed times and learn and draw close unto Him.) What a blessing a change in her plans happened to be for me.

I got up and saw the girls off to their friends' house. I took a shower and got myself fed and all ready to go. Krissy showed up and we headed out to Folsom (the Temple is off of Hwy 50 and Folsom Blvd - anyone is welcome to go there and feel the Spirit on the grounds. They are exquisite!) We pulled up to the front of the temple and she dropped me off so that I wouldn't have to walk from the car. I sat on a beautiful marble bench and watched a young couple posing for their wedding pictures. The waterfountain was beautiful, the flowers were blooming in all these beautiful colors - it was amazing and I really could feel like this was exactly where I needed to be today. The Lord wanted me there!

We went in and while checking in Brother Lund called me by name and said hello to me and I felt such peace. The session was perfect as always. We as members of the church don't discuss exactly what goes on in the temple - not because it is secret - but because the sacredness of it is so great. Basically you learn the meaning of life and what the Lord's plan is for us eternally. It was wonderful to be in a room full of happy faces. You can't help but smile at the temple, at least I can't. It makes me so happy there that I can't help but cry and smile at the same time. It was a wonderful experience and I walked away knowing that the Lord does know me. He does know the pain that I am having to go through. He does know that I can handle this and that if I just lean on Him, He is just waiting to help me.

This week in Relief Society we had a lesson on service and since then I have had the following scripture in my mind: Mosiah 24:14 "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

While this past week has been hard, today gives me the hope that I need, the rejuvination of my spirit so that I can take on this next week. Thank you Krissy for thinking of me and thank you Father in Heaven for showing me your love and compassion for me.


Joanne said...

and thank you Kaci for giving me such a different perspective on my day, week, and life. You have been such a reminder to me of what really matters and what doesn't. Thanks!!

David and Janalee said...

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I loved your post, it is a huge reminder to me of what is right and good in this crazy world. See, even when you are going through this huge thing you are touching people and teaching people, you are SO STRONG and it only makes you stronger when you realize you can't do this on your own. I am so proud of you and the courage you have right now, you amaze me...but that is nothing new, you always have amazed me.
I love you girl,

Danielle said...

ok make me cry kaci - LOL

Amy said...

I was very touched and teary eyed bu your post. You are so strong and make me want to do better. I am so glad that you have a temple close by that you can go and rejuevinate. You are amazing and such an example to me thank you!!
love ya!

Marilyn said...

Kaci: Keep listening to the spirit that whispers scriptures to you. You will hear lots of them in your head, heart, and mind, and they will indeed remind you that you are not alone, that you are known by Heavenly Father, and that little by little you will make it through this trial. Some days will be better than others, but in the long run you'll come out the winner!

Tami said...

great post Kaci. i love your honesty. hope you get some energy back soon and start feeling better.

Shooting Starchild said...

I'm glad you got to go to the temple! I love you! Love Ryann

Eric and Sierra said...

Everyday we have is such a blessing and you are my role model. Keep smiling!

Barbara said...

what a great post to read Kaci! Thank you for being so "real" You are the post positve person I know! And still the bet thing to ever happen to David. We love you and pray for you always. See you soon!
Mom Cox

Sadira said...

Hey Kaci, I'm so glad Alma mentioned your blog when I stopped to chat w/ her this afternoon... Kelly shared your struggles w/ cancer w/ us the other day when we were hanging out on the upstairs porch by her place w/ Kaitlin's family (the new family that lives where Ryan Hancock and his parents did for years above u guys... we miss you kitty-corner near by! But I bet u don't miss the 2-bedroom! lol). Seth and I have been keeping you close in our prayers, and if you're up for a visit, I'd love to drop by and just see your face, give you a hug and hear your voice... Happy b-day to the kids too! I admire your faith and spirit, Kaci, you even inspire *me* (and that's a huge compliment lol...). You have what's gotten me through all my trials and my family, your love for the Lord and faith in Him... Love you SO much. We are totally rooting for you and Dave and all your family. I'm glad you're nearby but it's so weird how we're way in front and you're way in back and we don't see you nearly as often as I'd like... I gotta get off this computer and visit my neighbors more!!! :D Stay YOU!!! You are so loved!!!

Sadira said...

Oh and I love this post about the Temple and counting your blessings more recently... I am right there with ya... I LOVE the Temple... I have made a couple abstract "moving painting" videos w/ footage from the Temple, very lo-fi and playful, short films, you can find them on YouTube if you search SadiraSeven if you want... it's the florescent pink landing pad series (all titled w/ landing pad and i think one is 'happy birthday jesus' or something, not part of that particular series, but...)