Okay, so I was so sure that I was up to this challenge. I was so confident and sure of my self and my abilities to conquer all. And then the chemo fatigue hit. And man, it hit me hard! The nurse, Jean, said in the chemo class that the fatigue would be the worst and that I should prepare for that. My thinking was: "I have had 6 kids - under the age of 8. I KNOW fatigue." I was so terribly WRONG!!!
Today I feel more myself than I have all week. Sunday I went to church and was okay. Sure, I felt tired, but it was manageable. Then came Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I wasn't feeling sleepy, just weak and dragging. Not only was I exhausted, but my spirit was starting to feel bogged down and like I just couldn't shoulder the weight of what I was/am having to go through. There have been many times over the past few days (it feels like it has been weeks) where I have said out loud, "Why can't someone else be the strong one that gets this challenge?" I was depressed and feeling like, as much as I had talked big in the beginnning, I really was a wimp and there was no way that I was going to make it through this.
This morning the kids were are scheduled to go places today. David had Sacramento State Orientation and Nephi, Gloria and Helaman got to go to the childcare center there. Faith and Vilate were lucky enough to go and hang out with some friends and Hyrum got to go over to his friend Joey's house. I was just laying in bed and the phone rang. My friend Krissy's plans had changed for the day and she wondered if I would like to and be able to go to the Sacramento Temple with her today. (For those who don't know, the Temple is a place where we go and learn about what our Father in Heaven has planned for us. His will is made known and anyone who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in good standing and holding a Temple Recommend can go at appointed times and learn and draw close unto Him.) What a blessing a change in her plans happened to be for me.
I got up and saw the girls off to their friends' house. I took a shower and got myself fed and all ready to go. Krissy showed up and we headed out to Folsom (the Temple is off of Hwy 50 and Folsom Blvd - anyone is welcome to go there and feel the Spirit on the grounds. They are exquisite!) We pulled up to the front of the temple and she dropped me off so that I wouldn't have to walk from the car. I sat on a beautiful marble bench and watched a young couple posing for their wedding pictures. The waterfountain was beautiful, the flowers were blooming in all these beautiful colors - it was amazing and I really could feel like this was exactly where I needed to be today. The Lord wanted me there!
We went in and while checking in Brother Lund called me by name and said hello to me and I felt such peace. The session was perfect as always. We as members of the church don't discuss exactly what goes on in the temple - not because it is secret - but because the sacredness of it is so great. Basically you learn the meaning of life and what the Lord's plan is for us eternally. It was wonderful to be in a room full of happy faces. You can't help but smile at the temple, at least I can't. It makes me so happy there that I can't help but cry and smile at the same time. It was a wonderful experience and I walked away knowing that the Lord does know me. He does know the pain that I am having to go through. He does know that I can handle this and that if I just lean on Him, He is just waiting to help me.
This week in Relief Society we had a lesson on service and since then I have had the following scripture in my mind: Mosiah 24:14 "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."
While this past week has been hard, today gives me the hope that I need, the rejuvination of my spirit so that I can take on this next week. Thank you Krissy for thinking of me and thank you Father in Heaven for showing me your love and compassion for me.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Chemotherapy...not what it used to be!
As I said in my last post I began chemotherapy this week and today was my final day. The only associations that I had with chemo were very violently ill patients. It was terrifying for me. I was really concerned because I HATE throwing up!
On Tuesday morning we went to a chemo class and all the talk on all the side effects made me so nervous/anxious that I finished the class by throwing up in the garbage can. It was lovely! We got home from the class and within in few hours the nurse, Jean, that conducted the class called me to let me know that she had spoken with Dr. Cen, my oncologist and that they thought it best that I begin chemo right away - the next morning in fact. I figured that it was okay and that waiting was torture and just delaying the inevitable.
I went to be a little nervous, okay A LOT nervous, but woke up peaceful and ready for the challenge. It helped to know that the nurses and doctors had determined that they were going to prescribe for me EVERY possible anti-nausea medicine that they could. I got to the office and Jean was there with her smiling face and got me right in. I must say that I felt way out of place. I was the youngest in the room by at least 40 years. They started my chemo and it was nothing big. Just a poke followed by drugs being administered by IV. David and I played a game of Scrabble and I got to take a nap. My Dad and Mom were able to come in and visit as well. The nurses pretended not to notice us breaking the one visitor per patient rule and I was certainly glad.
I went home after 4 hours and spent the rest of the day trying to relax. The next day I went back and had another treatment - same type of thing only this one only lasted 90 minutes. After my treatment on Thursday I got to go with my family to Leatherby's for my niece, Mia's 7th birthday. We had a great time visiting and enjoying being together. I was sure ready to go to bed after that. It was a busy night for me!
Today I went to my last treatment in my first set of chemo. David took me and I was able to just visit with him and then he stepped out to run an errand and I visited with the Social Worker and then got to talk on the phone with my good friend Allison. I had a different nurse, Mary, and I will admit it, I was a little nervous. The whole stick-me-with-a-needle thing is something that I get nervous about. Mary was good and I am so glad that the nurses there know what they are doing. After the treatment the kids got out of school and I got to walk in to pick them up. Following picking them up we went to the annual 4th grade swim party at some friend's house and had a nice visit. I then came home and took a 2 hour nap, that was MUCH NEEDED!!!!
Now I am just hanging with the kids. We are watching Swiss Family Robinson (the original - of course) and loving it! As scary as this whole thing has been, I am grateful for prayer and for the calm and comforting spirit that has attended me. I am a little nervous about the upcoming week, kids out of school, late-onset nausea, and just the unknown of a week immune system.
The good news is that my Heavenly Father loves me and he will give me the strength that I need to make it through this. I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers and thoughts. I know that they are making all the difference. Also your generosity and offers of help are a blessing to us. We will be taking you up on those offers, I promise! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
On Tuesday morning we went to a chemo class and all the talk on all the side effects made me so nervous/anxious that I finished the class by throwing up in the garbage can. It was lovely! We got home from the class and within in few hours the nurse, Jean, that conducted the class called me to let me know that she had spoken with Dr. Cen, my oncologist and that they thought it best that I begin chemo right away - the next morning in fact. I figured that it was okay and that waiting was torture and just delaying the inevitable.
I went to be a little nervous, okay A LOT nervous, but woke up peaceful and ready for the challenge. It helped to know that the nurses and doctors had determined that they were going to prescribe for me EVERY possible anti-nausea medicine that they could. I got to the office and Jean was there with her smiling face and got me right in. I must say that I felt way out of place. I was the youngest in the room by at least 40 years. They started my chemo and it was nothing big. Just a poke followed by drugs being administered by IV. David and I played a game of Scrabble and I got to take a nap. My Dad and Mom were able to come in and visit as well. The nurses pretended not to notice us breaking the one visitor per patient rule and I was certainly glad.
I went home after 4 hours and spent the rest of the day trying to relax. The next day I went back and had another treatment - same type of thing only this one only lasted 90 minutes. After my treatment on Thursday I got to go with my family to Leatherby's for my niece, Mia's 7th birthday. We had a great time visiting and enjoying being together. I was sure ready to go to bed after that. It was a busy night for me!
Today I went to my last treatment in my first set of chemo. David took me and I was able to just visit with him and then he stepped out to run an errand and I visited with the Social Worker and then got to talk on the phone with my good friend Allison. I had a different nurse, Mary, and I will admit it, I was a little nervous. The whole stick-me-with-a-needle thing is something that I get nervous about. Mary was good and I am so glad that the nurses there know what they are doing. After the treatment the kids got out of school and I got to walk in to pick them up. Following picking them up we went to the annual 4th grade swim party at some friend's house and had a nice visit. I then came home and took a 2 hour nap, that was MUCH NEEDED!!!!
Now I am just hanging with the kids. We are watching Swiss Family Robinson (the original - of course) and loving it! As scary as this whole thing has been, I am grateful for prayer and for the calm and comforting spirit that has attended me. I am a little nervous about the upcoming week, kids out of school, late-onset nausea, and just the unknown of a week immune system.
The good news is that my Heavenly Father loves me and he will give me the strength that I need to make it through this. I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers and thoughts. I know that they are making all the difference. Also your generosity and offers of help are a blessing to us. We will be taking you up on those offers, I promise! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Quick update
The last few days I felt like life is going in Fast Forward and I am stuck in Slow Motion. Things are happening at record speed and I am having a hard time keeping up. We are leaving right now to head over to the hospital for my first chemo treatment. Last night I was terrified, but today I feel peace. Please keep praying for me, but pray in faith. Pray for hope, pray for faith, pray for peace - all of these things for me and for you. Pray for healing because I know that the Lord hears all of our prayers and I know that He can heal anything regardless of what the doctors say or think. I'm not sure of my reaction to the chemo treatments, so don't hold your breath for a post today, tomorrow or even Friday - it's a 3 day out patient treatment. I will try to update when I can, but there are so many kids around that I need to hug and kiss and I do have a wonderful husband that needs occassional attention as well! I am very blessed to have friends and so many people that love me and care about our family. I thank you for your support. Enjoy your life! I know that I am doing all that I can to enjoy mine!!!!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A Good Day
I think over this summer there are going to be good days and not so good days - please notice that I didn't say bad days! I want all days to be good, but some will be harder than others.
Yesterday was one of the good ones. My wonderful Mother-in-Law arrived yesterday. What a blessing to me to have her here. I truly love her and admire her example of service. She will be here for about a week and will be returning here and there over the summer. My kids are sooo excited to have Grandma Cox here! It really is a treat for them.
I got to go to Hyrum's baseball game yesterday. He pitched the second inning. He has a great windup and pitch. It's funny because you can tell a good pitcher at this age when another kid hits off it and sure enough at least one kid did. It was so cool! The weather was perfect and I got to enjoy being outside with my friends.
After taking a nap we went to the Ward Talent Show. There were quite a few performances. A few girls did a Hawaiian-type of dance, there were ukelele performances and the cutest 4 year old got up and did a rocking version of The Itsy-Bitsy-Spider. Faith sang the song, "This is Me" from Disney's Camp Rock and Vilate followed with reading 2 stories, one that she and Faith worked on together and one that she wrote and illustrated herself. Finishing up the night was my request. David and his band performed 5 Beatles numbers. They had been planning to perform and then I got sick. They had called it off. I was so sad. I had been looking forward to it for months. So, on Friday when David told me I could have anything that I wanted or needed - he would find a way to get whatever for me - I told him all I wanted was to be able to hear his band. He immediately got on the phone and called all the guys. He told them my request and they were in! The 4 big kids were away for the night on Friday at various friend's homes and so once the little ones were in bed Dave went to practice. On Saturday after the baseball games Dave put me to bed and headed over to set up and do a sound check. After the sound check Dave came home and picked all of us up. It was great that my family was able to come also. There was a great turn out at the ward activity and we had a great night. I was really tired, but I am so grateful that I got to go.
Yesterday was a good day and I am so glad that I was able to do all that I wanted to.
***Side note here for the Cox fam...I AM going to Yosemite. We have been able to schedule my chemo treatments around it and the oncology nurse said that she thought it will be a great idea for me to get away at that point in my treatments. She said I will need relaxation and there is no better place than Yosemite!!! YAY!!!!
Yesterday was one of the good ones. My wonderful Mother-in-Law arrived yesterday. What a blessing to me to have her here. I truly love her and admire her example of service. She will be here for about a week and will be returning here and there over the summer. My kids are sooo excited to have Grandma Cox here! It really is a treat for them.
I got to go to Hyrum's baseball game yesterday. He pitched the second inning. He has a great windup and pitch. It's funny because you can tell a good pitcher at this age when another kid hits off it and sure enough at least one kid did. It was so cool! The weather was perfect and I got to enjoy being outside with my friends.
After taking a nap we went to the Ward Talent Show. There were quite a few performances. A few girls did a Hawaiian-type of dance, there were ukelele performances and the cutest 4 year old got up and did a rocking version of The Itsy-Bitsy-Spider. Faith sang the song, "This is Me" from Disney's Camp Rock and Vilate followed with reading 2 stories, one that she and Faith worked on together and one that she wrote and illustrated herself. Finishing up the night was my request. David and his band performed 5 Beatles numbers. They had been planning to perform and then I got sick. They had called it off. I was so sad. I had been looking forward to it for months. So, on Friday when David told me I could have anything that I wanted or needed - he would find a way to get whatever for me - I told him all I wanted was to be able to hear his band. He immediately got on the phone and called all the guys. He told them my request and they were in! The 4 big kids were away for the night on Friday at various friend's homes and so once the little ones were in bed Dave went to practice. On Saturday after the baseball games Dave put me to bed and headed over to set up and do a sound check. After the sound check Dave came home and picked all of us up. It was great that my family was able to come also. There was a great turn out at the ward activity and we had a great night. I was really tired, but I am so grateful that I got to go.
Yesterday was a good day and I am so glad that I was able to do all that I wanted to.
***Side note here for the Cox fam...I AM going to Yosemite. We have been able to schedule my chemo treatments around it and the oncology nurse said that she thought it will be a great idea for me to get away at that point in my treatments. She said I will need relaxation and there is no better place than Yosemite!!! YAY!!!!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Gratitude
I am so lucky. I am so very blessed. I want you all to know that your kind words, hugs, gifts, dinners, offers of help and love are so appreciated. I check this computer thing multiple times each day. Today I apologized to David for always being on the computer. I told him that I check it so often because your kindness and expressions of hope and love give me strength and encouragement. Thank you for your emails and comments on our blog and on Facebook. I really do rely on them and appreciate them. Please keep them coming! It is nice to know I have so many people that care for me and my family.
A few weeks ago I was complaining to David that I really wasn't serving everyone enough. I felt that I was too absorbed in my own world of kids and their school craziness, of my own school responsibilities and then just the day-to-day obligations of being a wife and mother. I felt like I wasn't doing enough to help others. I was saying to David that no one would miss me - except him and the kiddos....I know, I know - so not true. Because of these feelings I was determined that after my school was finished I would spend the summer teaching my kids about service by showing them how to find ways to serve. I didn't realize that I would be spending my summer teaching them about service by giving others the opportunity to serve us. You are all a great example to me and I hope that you know how much we love and appreciate all you are doing for our family.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
A few weeks ago I was complaining to David that I really wasn't serving everyone enough. I felt that I was too absorbed in my own world of kids and their school craziness, of my own school responsibilities and then just the day-to-day obligations of being a wife and mother. I felt like I wasn't doing enough to help others. I was saying to David that no one would miss me - except him and the kiddos....I know, I know - so not true. Because of these feelings I was determined that after my school was finished I would spend the summer teaching my kids about service by showing them how to find ways to serve. I didn't realize that I would be spending my summer teaching them about service by giving others the opportunity to serve us. You are all a great example to me and I hope that you know how much we love and appreciate all you are doing for our family.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
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